I am Paige's mom: Paige Marie...September 24, 2001

FINALLY!!! I start feeling small contractions in the middle of the night. Around 2:30 AM to be exact. I called Lori, my widwife, and she and her assistant Jen head for my house. By the time they get here it's close to 4:00 AM and I am about ready to be done...literally. They busy themselves getting ready for the big moment, I can hear pots and pans clanging in the kitchen and I know Jen is getting my herbal tea ready. I fret a bit because I know they are going to draw me a nice warm bath after Paige is born and Ican't remember if I have cleaned out the tub! I have back contractions which are extremely painful, but at the same time I kind of like them better because when I have a contraction Eric rubs my back, really hard, and it makes the pain much more bearable. I have always heard of birthing chairs and I want to try one. Generally speaking I know gravity is not our friend...sagging skin, sagging boobies, sagging hiney, etc, etc. But when it comes to giving birth the thought of gravity is quite appealing! Lets see, lay on my back and push, push, push or...sit in a birthing chair and let gravity do the work. Sounds good to me. I won't go into details about what a birthing chair looks like, noooo, it's not a regular chair as some have asked me. Within half an hour of midwives arrival it's time for this baby to be born! To the chair! It's kind of a one man operation, the one man being me. One or two pushes and she's out, right into my hands! So awesome! One of my hands is between her legs and I just remember thinking...it's a girl!!!!! I hand her to Lori then Eric and Jen help me to the bed so I can lay down.

I get my first good look at her. I notice that her little tongue is sticking out, I have never seen that with any of my other babes. Then I get a good look at that little face and my heart drops into my stomach. She has Down Syndrome. I can tell. I know it. But...how can that be? I have prayed my heart out for 9 very long months! I knew Heavenly Father had answered me, I was certain of it.

Eric is looking at her without a care in the world, she looks just like the other kids to him. I'm looking at Jen and Lori but they are not making eye contact with me. We put Paige in this little sling scale to weigh her...9 lbs. 6 oz!

Jen and Lori fuss around with stethescopes, a tiny little blood pressure cuff and some other things. They still don't look at me or say much. I want to shout at them....I KNOW SHE HAS DOWN SYNDROME! The look of concern on their faces makes me feel worse. Finally, Lori says, "we think she has down syndrome." I look at Eric, who is looking at Paige again, and he looks at me and with a very comforting look on his face he shakes his head no, as in they are silly, she doesn't have down syndrome. I look at him and shake my head yes, yes she does. I instantly think what a doof I am for not telling him about my prayer so long ago, how dumb of me to not prepare him for this because clearly, I am so prepared!

The next words out of Lori's mouth are, "half of the babies born with DS have heart problems, so you will want to take her into the doctor asap and have her heart checked." Then she does some other prodding and probing and says, "hmm, for some reason she isn't keeping her oxygen levels up where they should be." More concerned faces. My head is spinning and I don't know what to think, bad heart, no oxygen, down syndrome, bad heart, no oxygen....I guess at some point the placenta comes out, I've forgotten at this point that I just had a baby! Lori says we should leave, now, and take her to the hospital. She has an oxygen tank and they have Paige hooked up to it. Eric looks at me and says, "Do you want to call Bishop Allen? I think she needs a blessing." Bishop Allen is one of the most humble men I know, he has been our bishop for many years and I can't think of a better person to help Eric give our new little daughter a blessing. At this point I'm wondering if she is even going to live. All I can hear are the words heart problems, needs oxygen, take her to the hospital. Bishop Allen comes right over, Jen and Lori leave the room and Eric and our sweet Bishop give Paige an amazing blessing. I know she will live. Lori gets a call from another patient about to deliver, she leaves after giving Eric and Jen instructions on taking Paige to the ER. Everyone is gone. It has now been almost two hours since Paige was born, I'm laying in my bed with tears in my ears staring at the ceiling. My sweet kids slowly start creeping into the bedroom. They are hesitant and have wide eyes. Where is Dad? He said we have a baby sister. What is happening? I tell them that Paige has Down Syndrome. They have no idea what that means. So being of brilliant mind I say, "You know the kids at school who are in special ed?" they all nod, "she will be one of those kids." I could have said something profound and enlightening such as..."she will have special challenges, she is a special spirit, she is perfect and we will all love her dearly"....but at that very moment that's all I could think of to say. Then they all went downstairs, I'm guessing to try and figure out just what it was that the kids in special ed class had.

It didn't seem right that I should be laying in bed without a baby. My oldest daughter is 15 and can drive but I think she should stay home with the other kids today. I don't really feel like driving myself to the hospital, having just given birth and all, so I call my friend Lani. Oh sweet Lani. She will be the very first person I call with the news of Paige. You know those friends who you can laugh with, probably harder than you have ever laughed, or cry with, maybe even sob with. That's Lani. She answers the phone and I tell her what has happened, yes I'm crying. I think she might cry too but she is being strong. She's like that. Whatever she had planned for the day she forgets it all and comes over. I want to go to the hospital so Lani will take me, as I walk through the kitchen I see a big pot of cold herbal tea. I'll pour it down the drain later. I guess it doesn't matter that the tub didn't get cleaned. Eric has already called and told me they are in the NICU. What I don't know is that the hospital is in the middle of a huge remodel and I don't know where the NICU is! So we park the car and start walking, first across the parking lot which seems like a football field, remember, I have JUST GIVEN BIRTH!! We enter the hospital, ask where the NICU is and wouldn't you know, it's clear on the other side of the hospital. So we walk some more. Once we get there Lani has to stay out in the waiting room and I go in. The room is full of incubators with little tiny babies in them. I have never seen such small babies, then I see Eric, sitting next to a bassinet that is completely taken up with a big plump pink baby, my Paige. She is hooked up to lots of things, Eric tells me the doctor has been in, they have done a test of her heart and now we just wait for the results. A nurse hurries over and takes a poloraid of us and sticks it on the bassinet with a big pink card that says Paige Maire. It's 9:00 in the morning, we finally get word at 10:00 that night that her heart is good! I can honestly say this has been the longest day of my life. Every hour or so a nurse would tell us that someone was there to see us. We would go into the waiting room and there would be a friend, a ward member, a family member all waiting. I was amazed at how much love and support we felt. It touched me, but I didn't want love and support, I just wanted a normal baby. I'm so thankful the Lord is patient.

Finally, by 10:30 we are headed home. Leaving a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done! As we drive home Eric says, "This is the worst thing that could have happened! What are we going to do? For all we know we will be changing her diapers when she's 15!" We have no idea what's in store for us. I tell him about my prayer those 9 long months ago and how I have known the whole time that she would have Downs. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. Because I thought I could change the Lord's mind.

We get home and walk through the house checking on sleeping kids, I feel sad, tired and discouraged. Eric turns on the light in our bathroom and there, in all it's glory, is the placenta laying on the bathroom counter. He turns to me and says, "Lets move." Meaning, can we just run away, this is too hard. We are definitely sissies.

For the next week Paige is in the NICU hooked up to oxygen. The doctors can't tell us why she can't seem to keep her levels up on her own. I'm starting to notice something, when I'm with Paige I feel happy, peaceful even. When I leave her and head for home I start feeling dread and worry. I notice this pattern all week, by Friday I'm leaving home as early as I possibly can so I can spend time with Paige. One day as I'm sitting there holding her a nurse comes over to me and pulls up a chair, sits and says, "You know, I don't know what it is but every time we have a baby in our unit like Paige, you know, with Down Syndrome, we all want to hold that baby. We feel something special. You have a very special baby." I'm starting to realize that. It's about time.