THE FIRST YEAR

After a week in the NICU we finally get to bring our baby home!! The oxygen tank comes with her and she is hooked up to that for another two weeks. During the day she uses a small portable tank that doesn't make any noise. At night we hook her up to a tank that runs on electricity and it's rather loud. As I lay in bed, listening to that machine, I am reminded that I don't have a normal little baby sleeping in my room. For the most part I am starting to feel like life will be okay with this new little one...I still have those times, however, when I feel uncertain, scared, sad, angry and unsettled. I have no idea what to expect from my new baby. I tried to nurse Paige when she was in the hospital. The first time we tried there was a nurse hovering over me, she kept saying things like, "She might not be able to nurse. These little Down Syndrome babies get their tongues in the way. She may not have enough muscle tone to breast feed." I felt defeated before I even started. They were right, she couldn't seem to get the hang of it, I only tried a couple of times. I decide to pump my milk and just feed her with bottles. Eric and I seem to have good days and bad. Luckily, if I'm down he's up and positive, and vice versa. One day he comes home for lunch and I'm having a really hard time. I can't really describe it, just an overwhelming feeling of despair, which sounds a bit dramatic. I break down and cry like a baby, more like sobs. Eric looks at me and says, "What's wrong?!" All I can say through buckets of tears is, "She will never be normal! I don't want this!" He just stands there and looks at me, speechless. Then the most amazing thing happens. I stop crying, take a deep breath, and feel so much better, about everything! It's weird, I read that when you have a child like Paige, with any disability really, you have to go through a mourning process. I guess I was ready to quit mourning. Hallelujah! I was getting tired of it. From that moment on I was fine.

One day my oldest daughter Whitney, Paige and I head into town for some shopping. Paige is about one month old. After a couple of hours we get back to the car and head for home, Paige is fussy, hungry, I dig through my diaper bag looking for the bottle I put in. It's not there! We have quite a ways to go before we will be home. I turn to Whitney and say, "Wow, you would never know I've had 6 kids and here I am with no bottle!" After so much practice and years of packing diaper bags with all the necessary stuff how do you leave a bottle behind? Whitney says, "Why don't you just nurse her?" Hmmm, that's a good question. I haven't tried nursing since my failed attempts in the hospital. With no other choice, and Paige getting hungrier and fussier by the minute I give it a whirl...AND SHE NURSES LIKE A CHAMP!!!! I almost think I might cry tears of pure joy! My little Paige will end up nursing for a whole year, longer than any of my other kids.

With the oxygen gone and Paige nursing, I actually feel like things are going to be normal. In fact, life just picks up and goes on. I start having days where I don't even think about Paige having Down Syndrome. She is just like my other kids, in fact, she is beginning to be easier and happier than the others. If she isn't eating (nursing ; )) or sleeping, she is just hanging out being happy! So happy! She coos and laughs and smiles and burps and keeps us all entertained just like my other babies. She starts holding her head up at about 3 months. By 4 1/2 months she can roll from her tummy to her back. By 7 months she can sit up by herself. I'm starting to wonder just how she is going to be different. She is an absolute joy. I think about something my Dad's wife Narveen said when we called to tell them that Paige was born, and that she had Down Syndrome. After just a short pause she said, "No wonder you were so beautiful when you were pregnant, you were pregnant with an angel."

One day I sit down and write some of the things that have been in my heart for the past year.

WHY ME?

When I held my sweet baby daughter in my arms for the first time, I gazed into her little face and my heart sank. I knew what I had known all along, she had Down Syndrome. I had pleaded for nine long months for our Father in Heaven to make her "normal", this would certainly be a trial that I would not be able to handle. As I held her, questions raced through my mind. What will people think of me, of my family? How will I ever tell my friends? How will people react to her, or to me? What kind of a mother could I ever be to a child like this? WHY ME?

As with all trials in life it doesn't take long before we are able to see the wisdom and the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. A year has gone by, as the months have passed our home and our hearts have been filled with the sweetest spirit felt on earth. Our little Paige has grown and developed in amazing ways. We call her LOVE at our house because she radiates it. I have had a year now to gaze into her little face and peer into her piercing blue eye and see her perfect, heavenly spirit. I wonder now how I could have ever asked our Father in Heaven to make her any other way. She brings out the very best in the people around her, mostly in her family.

Questions still race through my mind at times. How will she do in school? Will she have friends? Does she know how much we adore her? Will others see her for who she really is? Can I ever thank my Heavenly Father enough for sending her to me? What did we do to deserve her? One question remains the same but has a whole new meaning. As I kneel beside my bed each night, with gratitude in my heart, I ask Him...WHY ME?

My sweet Paige is now 10 years old. I am excited to share this blog about her amazing accomplisments, her witty sense of humor, her never ending love and the unimaginable joy she has brought into my life and the life of her family.

Some pictures of Paigey and her early accomplishments!

Paige showing off her sitting up skills at about 7 months.

Reed and Paige, she looks like a little doll.

Have I mentioned that she was a happy baby?





A pro at holding up her head! About 3 months old.

I made this adorable little hat, she was such a good sport to wear it!







She was held and loved by one of her brothers or sisters about every minute of the day. Here she is with her oldest sissy Whitney.

Reed is only 3 years older and has no idea she is anything but perfect.





Paige asleep on our friend Marsha. We are in the middle of a huge amusement park. Paige can sleep anywhere! She was and still is so snuggley!

More lovin from Reed.