WELCOME TO HOLLAND

On the day Paige was born a dear friend gave me this story....

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability. To try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy! You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michealangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting!

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland!"

"Holland?!!" you say. "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy! All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy!"

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is, they haven't taken you to a horrible, filthy place, full of famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just different place. It's slower paced than Italy. But after you've been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around...and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts!

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they are all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, That's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

BUT...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the VERY SPECIAL, THE VERY LOVELY THINGS...about HOLLAND.

I read this and re-read this several times after Paige was born, and it's so very true! Everything that is except the part that says...And the pain of that will never go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

For me, I do not feel a loss...not anymore. People have asked me and my husband this question, "If you could change Paige, you know, snap your fingers and make her "normal", would you?" We always say, without hesitation...NO! Her brothers and sisters say the same thing..NO! She is such a joy, such a love, such a ham, such a delight, such a great sister, great daughter, great friend, great person...why then, would we want to change her? She is happy, she loves life, she loves people, she is innocent and sweet. She doesn't notice the ugly in the world, or if she does, she simply moves on, finds the joy and the beauty. Like a little ray of sunshine, alway shining.

When she was four years old I reflected back to the day she was born, life certainly hadn't turned out the way I had imagined on that day. Our life was normal, full and happy. This little girl, who I thought would be a....burden? a trial? Was simply our sweet little daughter, little sister and little ray of sunshine. I was so wrong about everything!! I wished I could go back to the day she was born and relive it all, instead of a pit in my stomach there would be joy in my heart. Instead of looking ahead with a sense of dread and fear, I would be grateful and see the blessings that she would bring. I was so thankful, once again, that through all my protesting Heavenly Father sent me this gift. I wrote this for my sweet little girl...

WHO KNEW?

Who knew that you would bring such joy and happiness into our home?

Who knew that you would give such tight hugs and sloppy kisses?

Who knew that you would smile and laugh most of the time?

Who knew that you would be the bravest when we play boogey man?

Who knew that Whitney would miss you the most when she went away to college?

Who knew that your big brothers would hold you and snuggle you, and not want to put you in bed when you were asleep in their arms?

Who knew that Ashley would call you precious?

Who knew that your family would become a group of cheerleaders, clapping and cheering at every little accomplishment you make?

Who knew that we would smile and laugh watching you dance and twirl on the kitchen floor?

Who knew that you would love snuggling and reading books?

Who knew that because of you we are more accepting and less judgmental?

Who knew that because of you we would meet so many wonderful people who we never would have know?

Who knew that you would bring out the true character in us and other people?

Who Knew? A kind, wise Heavenly Father knew. And we thank Him.

Paige, age 2. I took her to a photo shop in the mall for this pic. We had a long wait before we could get her picture taken so she was very wiggly! It was a small room so I stood behind a light while the photographer got Paige ready, she wouldn't sit still, or smile, or look at the camera! So I peeked out from behind the light and she looked at me, and they snapped the picture : ) So Cute!

BOATING!

In 1993 we bought our first boat. Our 4th baby, Cole, was almost 1 year old. Now, let me just say...I AM AFRAID OF WATER! I'm not a water person, therefore, swimming is not generally on my list of things I like to do. But my sweet husband was sure that this would be a great family activity...boy was he right! Boating became the love of my summers. I was thrilled to watch my kids learn to swim and love the water! So different from any of my water experiences as a kid. A typical boating day went something like this...put the boat in the lake, drive about 300 yards to our favorite little cove, throw out the anchor, turn on the radio, pull out the coolers full of food and spend the day as a family swimming, fishing, eating, laughing, jumping off rocks, and eating some more. After awhile we would pull up anchor and pull the kids around on knee boards or in tubes. We would go home at the end of the day sun kissed, exhausted and happy. I can't tell you how many times I would look at my hubby and say, wow, this is the best money we ever spent! Of course he would smile remembering how much I DIDN'T want a boat!

As the years passed we followed the same routine except we spent less time anchored and more time pulling big kids on wake boards and boogie boards. The tube rides were more exciting if they wanted the "full meal deal" from Dad. The "full meal deal" consisted of Dad driving the boat like a crazy maniac trying to get you out of that tube! Of course I was in the boat with my eyes closed yelling 'SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU KILL SOMEONE!" Everyone else was having a great time trying to get killed. We had to put more food in the coolers because the kids ate more and instead of jumping off rocks they graduated to jumping off cliffs. As usual, we would drive home tired and happy.

When Paige was born I just figured our boating days were over. Looking back, I have no idea why I thought that, but in the first few days of her being here I just knew our lives would never be the same, therefore, no more fun boating trips with the family. It just didn't seem possible to take a child with a disability out on a boat, or if we were able to take her, what fun would that be?

I was sitting with her in the NICU one day when a nurse came in and gave me a video to watch. It was about a young girl with Down Syndrome, her name is Karen Gaffney. I sat in the mothers lounge and turned on the TV and started watching. I was quite impressed with this little girl, she went to school with everyone else her age, she loved playing on the playground and she worked hard in school and did quite well. She was also an avid swimmer! As I watched the video I started to feel hope that Paige would be able to accomplish some things, then, at the very end of the tape was something that changed me...as the ending credits were playing there was Karen, riding in a tube behind a boat with the biggest happy grin I had ever seen! As silly as it sounds now, at that moment, I felt hope! It slowly began to register in my little pea brain that maybe our boating days weren't over after all!

Well here we are 10 years later and I am here to tell you that not only did our boating days never end, they became sweeter, more fun and at times down right hilarious, or frustrating, however you want to look at it.

The next summer after Paige was born we started our days of boating just like any other summer. Since she was just a baby she would spend her days playing in the boat or sitting in one of the tubes splashing in a little water. She was definitely a water baby!! She loved water from day one. As she got older the real fun began...we soon learned that someone would have to hang on to her until the boat came to a complete stop and the engine was turned off. That kid could not wait to get in the water!! Of course we always had a life jacket on her but it became apparent right off the bat that she was a fish in the water. She had no fear! She was born to swim and to this day swimming is one of her very favorite things to do. The hilarious/frustrating part came down the road when she was a little older. The big kids were really into wakeboarding at this point, when they crashed and we went back to get them, as soon as we stopped, so they could get ready to go again, Paige would jump in, and not want to get back in the boat. Well, no one wanted to jump in and get her so we would stand in the boat and wave bags of cookies trying to entice her back to the boat, that never worked, which was surprising because cookies were right up there on her love list. A few times, after we realized she was afraid of sharks, yessss, we did it...we would yell SHARK to get her back in the boat. That usually worked.

At this point she is a pro at boating. She doesn't jump in until we say it's ok, when it's time to get back in she does much better at that too. This past summer was her first time riding in the tube by herself. Her smile was priceless. I think back to that day many years ago and think about how silly and ignorant I was to think that our boating days were over because Paige has Down Syndrome. Like everything else in our lives, she just makes it more enjoyable!




Paige's first summer at the lake, she LOVED the water!

She was happy to play in the boat too, but then again, she's just a happy little girl.

Riding the tube with Dad, and loving it!





One of my very favorite pictures of Paige on the boat.

With her sisters Ashley and Whitney

She just makes us all happy






Jumping off the boat is one of her favorite pastimes, over and over and over and over

Enjoying her water and the wind blowing in her hair!





Picking out tunes with Cole

Happiness is your big brothers feet




Go to the KarenGaffneyFoundation to see this amazing young woman! If you google Karen Gaffney you will find it!

THE FIRST YEAR

After a week in the NICU we finally get to bring our baby home!! The oxygen tank comes with her and she is hooked up to that for another two weeks. During the day she uses a small portable tank that doesn't make any noise. At night we hook her up to a tank that runs on electricity and it's rather loud. As I lay in bed, listening to that machine, I am reminded that I don't have a normal little baby sleeping in my room. For the most part I am starting to feel like life will be okay with this new little one...I still have those times, however, when I feel uncertain, scared, sad, angry and unsettled. I have no idea what to expect from my new baby. I tried to nurse Paige when she was in the hospital. The first time we tried there was a nurse hovering over me, she kept saying things like, "She might not be able to nurse. These little Down Syndrome babies get their tongues in the way. She may not have enough muscle tone to breast feed." I felt defeated before I even started. They were right, she couldn't seem to get the hang of it, I only tried a couple of times. I decide to pump my milk and just feed her with bottles. Eric and I seem to have good days and bad. Luckily, if I'm down he's up and positive, and vice versa. One day he comes home for lunch and I'm having a really hard time. I can't really describe it, just an overwhelming feeling of despair, which sounds a bit dramatic. I break down and cry like a baby, more like sobs. Eric looks at me and says, "What's wrong?!" All I can say through buckets of tears is, "She will never be normal! I don't want this!" He just stands there and looks at me, speechless. Then the most amazing thing happens. I stop crying, take a deep breath, and feel so much better, about everything! It's weird, I read that when you have a child like Paige, with any disability really, you have to go through a mourning process. I guess I was ready to quit mourning. Hallelujah! I was getting tired of it. From that moment on I was fine.

One day my oldest daughter Whitney, Paige and I head into town for some shopping. Paige is about one month old. After a couple of hours we get back to the car and head for home, Paige is fussy, hungry, I dig through my diaper bag looking for the bottle I put in. It's not there! We have quite a ways to go before we will be home. I turn to Whitney and say, "Wow, you would never know I've had 6 kids and here I am with no bottle!" After so much practice and years of packing diaper bags with all the necessary stuff how do you leave a bottle behind? Whitney says, "Why don't you just nurse her?" Hmmm, that's a good question. I haven't tried nursing since my failed attempts in the hospital. With no other choice, and Paige getting hungrier and fussier by the minute I give it a whirl...AND SHE NURSES LIKE A CHAMP!!!! I almost think I might cry tears of pure joy! My little Paige will end up nursing for a whole year, longer than any of my other kids.

With the oxygen gone and Paige nursing, I actually feel like things are going to be normal. In fact, life just picks up and goes on. I start having days where I don't even think about Paige having Down Syndrome. She is just like my other kids, in fact, she is beginning to be easier and happier than the others. If she isn't eating (nursing ; )) or sleeping, she is just hanging out being happy! So happy! She coos and laughs and smiles and burps and keeps us all entertained just like my other babies. She starts holding her head up at about 3 months. By 4 1/2 months she can roll from her tummy to her back. By 7 months she can sit up by herself. I'm starting to wonder just how she is going to be different. She is an absolute joy. I think about something my Dad's wife Narveen said when we called to tell them that Paige was born, and that she had Down Syndrome. After just a short pause she said, "No wonder you were so beautiful when you were pregnant, you were pregnant with an angel."

One day I sit down and write some of the things that have been in my heart for the past year.

WHY ME?

When I held my sweet baby daughter in my arms for the first time, I gazed into her little face and my heart sank. I knew what I had known all along, she had Down Syndrome. I had pleaded for nine long months for our Father in Heaven to make her "normal", this would certainly be a trial that I would not be able to handle. As I held her, questions raced through my mind. What will people think of me, of my family? How will I ever tell my friends? How will people react to her, or to me? What kind of a mother could I ever be to a child like this? WHY ME?

As with all trials in life it doesn't take long before we are able to see the wisdom and the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. A year has gone by, as the months have passed our home and our hearts have been filled with the sweetest spirit felt on earth. Our little Paige has grown and developed in amazing ways. We call her LOVE at our house because she radiates it. I have had a year now to gaze into her little face and peer into her piercing blue eye and see her perfect, heavenly spirit. I wonder now how I could have ever asked our Father in Heaven to make her any other way. She brings out the very best in the people around her, mostly in her family.

Questions still race through my mind at times. How will she do in school? Will she have friends? Does she know how much we adore her? Will others see her for who she really is? Can I ever thank my Heavenly Father enough for sending her to me? What did we do to deserve her? One question remains the same but has a whole new meaning. As I kneel beside my bed each night, with gratitude in my heart, I ask Him...WHY ME?

My sweet Paige is now 10 years old. I am excited to share this blog about her amazing accomplisments, her witty sense of humor, her never ending love and the unimaginable joy she has brought into my life and the life of her family.

Some pictures of Paigey and her early accomplishments!

Paige showing off her sitting up skills at about 7 months.

Reed and Paige, she looks like a little doll.

Have I mentioned that she was a happy baby?





A pro at holding up her head! About 3 months old.

I made this adorable little hat, she was such a good sport to wear it!







She was held and loved by one of her brothers or sisters about every minute of the day. Here she is with her oldest sissy Whitney.

Reed is only 3 years older and has no idea she is anything but perfect.





Paige asleep on our friend Marsha. We are in the middle of a huge amusement park. Paige can sleep anywhere! She was and still is so snuggley!

More lovin from Reed.

Paige Marie...September 24, 2001

FINALLY!!! I start feeling small contractions in the middle of the night. Around 2:30 AM to be exact. I called Lori, my widwife, and she and her assistant Jen head for my house. By the time they get here it's close to 4:00 AM and I am about ready to be done...literally. They busy themselves getting ready for the big moment, I can hear pots and pans clanging in the kitchen and I know Jen is getting my herbal tea ready. I fret a bit because I know they are going to draw me a nice warm bath after Paige is born and Ican't remember if I have cleaned out the tub! I have back contractions which are extremely painful, but at the same time I kind of like them better because when I have a contraction Eric rubs my back, really hard, and it makes the pain much more bearable. I have always heard of birthing chairs and I want to try one. Generally speaking I know gravity is not our friend...sagging skin, sagging boobies, sagging hiney, etc, etc. But when it comes to giving birth the thought of gravity is quite appealing! Lets see, lay on my back and push, push, push or...sit in a birthing chair and let gravity do the work. Sounds good to me. I won't go into details about what a birthing chair looks like, noooo, it's not a regular chair as some have asked me. Within half an hour of midwives arrival it's time for this baby to be born! To the chair! It's kind of a one man operation, the one man being me. One or two pushes and she's out, right into my hands! So awesome! One of my hands is between her legs and I just remember thinking...it's a girl!!!!! I hand her to Lori then Eric and Jen help me to the bed so I can lay down.

I get my first good look at her. I notice that her little tongue is sticking out, I have never seen that with any of my other babes. Then I get a good look at that little face and my heart drops into my stomach. She has Down Syndrome. I can tell. I know it. But...how can that be? I have prayed my heart out for 9 very long months! I knew Heavenly Father had answered me, I was certain of it.

Eric is looking at her without a care in the world, she looks just like the other kids to him. I'm looking at Jen and Lori but they are not making eye contact with me. We put Paige in this little sling scale to weigh her...9 lbs. 6 oz!

Jen and Lori fuss around with stethescopes, a tiny little blood pressure cuff and some other things. They still don't look at me or say much. I want to shout at them....I KNOW SHE HAS DOWN SYNDROME! The look of concern on their faces makes me feel worse. Finally, Lori says, "we think she has down syndrome." I look at Eric, who is looking at Paige again, and he looks at me and with a very comforting look on his face he shakes his head no, as in they are silly, she doesn't have down syndrome. I look at him and shake my head yes, yes she does. I instantly think what a doof I am for not telling him about my prayer so long ago, how dumb of me to not prepare him for this because clearly, I am so prepared!

The next words out of Lori's mouth are, "half of the babies born with DS have heart problems, so you will want to take her into the doctor asap and have her heart checked." Then she does some other prodding and probing and says, "hmm, for some reason she isn't keeping her oxygen levels up where they should be." More concerned faces. My head is spinning and I don't know what to think, bad heart, no oxygen, down syndrome, bad heart, no oxygen....I guess at some point the placenta comes out, I've forgotten at this point that I just had a baby! Lori says we should leave, now, and take her to the hospital. She has an oxygen tank and they have Paige hooked up to it. Eric looks at me and says, "Do you want to call Bishop Allen? I think she needs a blessing." Bishop Allen is one of the most humble men I know, he has been our bishop for many years and I can't think of a better person to help Eric give our new little daughter a blessing. At this point I'm wondering if she is even going to live. All I can hear are the words heart problems, needs oxygen, take her to the hospital. Bishop Allen comes right over, Jen and Lori leave the room and Eric and our sweet Bishop give Paige an amazing blessing. I know she will live. Lori gets a call from another patient about to deliver, she leaves after giving Eric and Jen instructions on taking Paige to the ER. Everyone is gone. It has now been almost two hours since Paige was born, I'm laying in my bed with tears in my ears staring at the ceiling. My sweet kids slowly start creeping into the bedroom. They are hesitant and have wide eyes. Where is Dad? He said we have a baby sister. What is happening? I tell them that Paige has Down Syndrome. They have no idea what that means. So being of brilliant mind I say, "You know the kids at school who are in special ed?" they all nod, "she will be one of those kids." I could have said something profound and enlightening such as..."she will have special challenges, she is a special spirit, she is perfect and we will all love her dearly"....but at that very moment that's all I could think of to say. Then they all went downstairs, I'm guessing to try and figure out just what it was that the kids in special ed class had.

It didn't seem right that I should be laying in bed without a baby. My oldest daughter is 15 and can drive but I think she should stay home with the other kids today. I don't really feel like driving myself to the hospital, having just given birth and all, so I call my friend Lani. Oh sweet Lani. She will be the very first person I call with the news of Paige. You know those friends who you can laugh with, probably harder than you have ever laughed, or cry with, maybe even sob with. That's Lani. She answers the phone and I tell her what has happened, yes I'm crying. I think she might cry too but she is being strong. She's like that. Whatever she had planned for the day she forgets it all and comes over. I want to go to the hospital so Lani will take me, as I walk through the kitchen I see a big pot of cold herbal tea. I'll pour it down the drain later. I guess it doesn't matter that the tub didn't get cleaned. Eric has already called and told me they are in the NICU. What I don't know is that the hospital is in the middle of a huge remodel and I don't know where the NICU is! So we park the car and start walking, first across the parking lot which seems like a football field, remember, I have JUST GIVEN BIRTH!! We enter the hospital, ask where the NICU is and wouldn't you know, it's clear on the other side of the hospital. So we walk some more. Once we get there Lani has to stay out in the waiting room and I go in. The room is full of incubators with little tiny babies in them. I have never seen such small babies, then I see Eric, sitting next to a bassinet that is completely taken up with a big plump pink baby, my Paige. She is hooked up to lots of things, Eric tells me the doctor has been in, they have done a test of her heart and now we just wait for the results. A nurse hurries over and takes a poloraid of us and sticks it on the bassinet with a big pink card that says Paige Maire. It's 9:00 in the morning, we finally get word at 10:00 that night that her heart is good! I can honestly say this has been the longest day of my life. Every hour or so a nurse would tell us that someone was there to see us. We would go into the waiting room and there would be a friend, a ward member, a family member all waiting. I was amazed at how much love and support we felt. It touched me, but I didn't want love and support, I just wanted a normal baby. I'm so thankful the Lord is patient.

Finally, by 10:30 we are headed home. Leaving a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done! As we drive home Eric says, "This is the worst thing that could have happened! What are we going to do? For all we know we will be changing her diapers when she's 15!" We have no idea what's in store for us. I tell him about my prayer those 9 long months ago and how I have known the whole time that she would have Downs. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. Because I thought I could change the Lord's mind.

We get home and walk through the house checking on sleeping kids, I feel sad, tired and discouraged. Eric turns on the light in our bathroom and there, in all it's glory, is the placenta laying on the bathroom counter. He turns to me and says, "Lets move." Meaning, can we just run away, this is too hard. We are definitely sissies.

For the next week Paige is in the NICU hooked up to oxygen. The doctors can't tell us why she can't seem to keep her levels up on her own. I'm starting to notice something, when I'm with Paige I feel happy, peaceful even. When I leave her and head for home I start feeling dread and worry. I notice this pattern all week, by Friday I'm leaving home as early as I possibly can so I can spend time with Paige. One day as I'm sitting there holding her a nurse comes over to me and pulls up a chair, sits and says, "You know, I don't know what it is but every time we have a baby in our unit like Paige, you know, with Down Syndrome, we all want to hold that baby. We feel something special. You have a very special baby." I'm starting to realize that. It's about time.

Finally! The oxygen is gone!

Sweet sweet baby.

So Cute!

Picture snapped of us as soon as I got to the NICU, after walking a marathon.

What kind of a world is this?

My pregnancy with Paige goes just like the others. I live with my head in the toilet for the first 4 months, lose about 15 pounds. I would always joke with my husband and say, "gee, I need to lose some weight, I should get pregnant." As usual, once that 4th month ends I'm back to my normal self and LOVE being pregnant. I have prayed throughout my pregnancy for a healthy NORMAL baby and I feel quite certain that the Lord has answered my prayers. I guess I'm still thinking that the answer I received about 9 months prior was just merely a suggestion. You know, so I pray and the Lord just throws out this answer to see how I will react. Since I didn't react well He will then surely decide to change his mind and send me what I want instead. I decide to have Paige at home. I'm just one of those gals who was made to have babies, with her being my 6th I feel confident that having a home birth will be just fine. My monthly check ups go smoothly. At 4 months my mid wife Lori suggests the blood work that tells me if this baby may have Down Syndrome or Spina Bifida. My heart races for a minute, thinking about that Down Syndrome thing, but then I tell myself, remember, you've been praying for a normal baby and that's what you will get. Isn't my faith amazing! So I decline the test.

My due date is September 24, 2001. When September rolls around Lori tells me how the birth will go. She and her assistant Jen, will come to my house when I call. I tend to have babies fast so she reminds me to call at the first sign of labor because she lives a good hour away. When they get to my house they will start a big batch of herbal tea on the stove. The tea is great for calming the body and promoting all this good stuff after birth. Then they will pour a nice warm bath for me to soak in after the baby is born. Wow, nirvana! At some point we will call all the kids into the bedroom and we will spend the day swooning and cooing over our new little baby. Yep, this is going to be great!

My dad stops by for a visit with his wife (Narveen) on September 8th. They just stay for the night and the next morning when they leave Narveen says, "This pregnancy certainly agrees with you, you are absolutely beautiful." She is known for saying random, crazy things so I don't think much of it. But it was nice to hear : )

Life is good.

September 11, 2001. It's the first week of school, kids are all gone except for Reed. Eric is in the bathroom getting ready for work. It's a beautiful sunny day, I'm so happy. I sit on the bed trying to get in a comfortable postion with my big baby belly, turn on the TV to watch the Today show. I see immediately that something big has happened somewhere. Then I read the bottom of the screen, a plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. I see the picture of the building with a hole in it. I call to Eric to come quick, he stands next to the bed and we both try to take in what has happened. Reed, who is 3 years old, climbs up onto the bed beside me. Eric and I are now listening to the whole story, 2 planes have crashed into the towers, a plane has hit the Pentagon, the towers are falling, another plane is missing, no wait, another plane just crashed but it didn't hit anything. Eric and I just stare at eachother. I'm scared. My first reaction is to jump up and get into town as fast as I can and pick up all my kids, bring them home where they will be safe. Life doesn't seem so great anymore. It seems like everything has changed so drastically in just the 10 minutes that we have been watching the news. Little did I know just how tragic this would all end. I watch the news for the rest of the day with tears in my eyes and a pit in my stomach, just like the rest of America.

The next night as I try to sleep I'm restless, nervous, still in shock from everything that has happened to our country. It's a warm night and we have our bedroom windows open. We live in the country and everything is quiet. Then I hear loud noises, it sounds like jets flying, but the air space is closed so that can't be it. Then suddenly 2 flighter jets fly right over our house, low. They are headed west, the coast? Portland? Salem? Has something else happened? The noise wakes Eric up and I tell him that 2 jets just flew over, he tells me everything is ok and falls back to sleep. He can sleep so well, I'm jealous. I feel the baby move and I think to myself, how can I bring a baby into the world now, WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?

I'm big, uncomfortable, scared, sad, nervous, you name it, that's me. I start to pray. I pour my heart out and tell the Lord that I just don't know about this whole thing. Is it safe to bring another baby into THIS world? How can I keep my kids safe? It doesn't seem safe out there anymore. I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm worried about everything. Then...peace. I feel complete peace. I feel a presence and I sense that the veil is thin. I sense that the spirit of my unborn daughter is there. I can sense that she is strong, she is beautiful, one of Heavenly Father's most valiant spirits in fact. Her spirit is felt so strong that I almost think I can see her.

I fall asleep feeling so blessed. Blessed to know that in spite of what's happening in the world Heavenly Father is in charge. He is there to send comfort and peace through the most difficult of times. I feel blessed to know that He has a plan. I know where I came from, I know why I'm here and I know where I'm going. I remind myself not that take that knowledge for granted. I'm excited to meet my daughter.

HERE SHE COMES

This blog is about my sweet Paige, so you might be wondering what my last post had to do with her, since she wasn't even mentioned! The post was to let you know what I had gone through and how incredibly hard post partum depression/anxiety was on me. It took me almost 2 years to start really feeling like myself completely, so you can imagine my thoughts when I was driving to town one day and the thought pops into my head...you should have another baby!

My thoughts went something like this..."Nope, never gonna happen. Ok, maybe when hell freezes over." I dismissed the thought of another baby completely and later that night I said to my husband, "I think you should have a vasectomy, tomorrow." He agreed and said he would make an appointment.

Days go by...week goes by. I've forgotten about any thoughts of another baby. I'm sure the Lord knows that I'm just not up for that. Going about my business, driving to WalMart, at the corner of Hwy 97 and Yew Ave when I get a thought..."you should have another baby." Yes, I really do remember exactly where I was. My heart softens, mildly, I might think about thinking about it. Still don't want to. More thoughts and feelings come my way over the next few weeks. My argument: Look what happened to me after Reed was born!! I already have 5 kids! My life is good! I'm so content right now! I'm almost 40! Blah, Blah, Blah. I decide I'm kind of a whiner. Instead of continuing to ignore the promptings I decide to pray about it.

I kneel down next to my bed one afternoon and pray. At this point in my life I have had many prayers answered, too many to even count. I am very aware of Heavenly Fathers love for me, I know that I am his daughter. I have no doubt that he answers prayers. I'm very thankful to know this. I ask him if we should have another baby, then the most amazing thing happens...He answers me, but he answers me in a way that he has never answered me before, I hear, literally hear a voice that says, "YES! you will have a baby girl. She will have Down Syndrome." My heart starts to race, my mind starts to race. I didn't see that coming. I can't even wrap my brain around that answer, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I ignore that amazing answer I just received and remind my husband to get that vasectomy. Where in the world is my faith!? I am so thankful for a PATIENT, loving Heavenly Father.

I soon discover that I am pregnant. My first thought..."Here she comes." I don't tell anyone about my answered prayer. I now have 9 months to plead and beg with my Heavenly Father to send me a normal, healthy child. I'm not too worried about it, afterall, he always answers my prayers. : )








September 2001. Paige is born.

He knows what is best for me.

Whitney, Ashley, Cody, Cole 1997 Reed 1999

I KNOW God answers prayers. I KNOW that God is literally my Heavenly Father. He loves me. He listens to me. He knows what is best for me. Sometimes I forget that last one.

Having babies has always been a spiritual journey for me. Some people call it that biological clock...I call it spiritual promptings. Here's how it worked for me. Out of the blue I would get a "feeling" or a "thought" that would go something like this....hmm, I think we should have a baby.

PRESTO! I'm pregnant! I always knew when I should be and when I was. It was almost as if Heavenly Father had this direct line to me that was so clear! I'm ready to send another one of my most precious spirit children to you. Love them, teach them, help them come back to me. No Pressure!! I was always happy to welcome them into our home, into my heart, and into our lives, the responsiblity was overwhelming at times, but so worth it.

In a six year period He sent us Whitney, Ashley, Cody and then our sweet little baby Cole. Our family was complete!!!

I didn't have one thought of another baby, another child who should join us. Life was busy, fun and happy.

When Cole was about six years old we were on a fun trip to the coast with our four sweet kids. As we were driving along I got the strangest, laughable thought that we should have another baby! I recall mentioning it as we drove along, totally not serious, just throwing it out there. My husband and I looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and dismissed the whole silly idea without another thought.

That was in July, by the end of October I just couldn't seem to shake the nausea and tiredness that was hitting everyone with the first flu bug of the year. Nine months later baby number five arrived. I guess that silly ridiculous "thought" was the real deal. It was good tho, a sweet healthy baby boy we named Reed who had four older brothers and sisters who adored him! I was thankful and happy. I wasn't expecting him, but now I KNEW our family was complete.

Three months of bliss...then the beginning of pure hell.

I woke up in the middle of the night to feed my sweet baby. As I carried him downstairs I suddenly felt dizzy and weird. My heart started racing and I was scared to death! I ran back upstairs, woke my husband and said, " call the doctor, there is something terribly wrong with me!"

From that moment on my life seemed to spiral completely out of my control. My doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. He sent me to other doctors. I had tests. Nothing was wrong with me. I was sad, very very sad. I was scared, of what, I didn't know. I cried a lot. At times I cried harder than I thought possible.

To say that I was miserable would be a gross understatment, I was beyond miserable. There was not one aspect of my life that I enjoyed. Nothing. I was consumed with the thought that I was going to die, right now. There would be no one to take care of my kids. But I wasn't sick. So what was I going to die of? I guess that little detail didn't really matter, I was just going to die. I was going to die a sad, lonely, dark death.

I prayed. My husband prayed. I received powerful Priesthood blessings. My kids wondered where their mommy went. I was just a body in the house going through the motions.

FINALLY, LIGHT!! Two long months later my friend Laura knocks on my door, she had spent hours online searching for answers to what had taken away her friend who LOVED life! The culprit, Post Partum Depression. Why didn't anyone else know that? My doctor? Any doctor? She said, " Sue, you are having panic attacks, you are riddled with anxiety, you are depressed!" How could that be? This was my fifth baby, I had never even had the baby blues with any of my other children. She was right. I got help. I started down the road to life and recovery. It would take awhile, but we were on our way, and I finally felt happy about something.

Heavenly Father finally answered our prayers. I would get better. I learn later in life why he let me struggle so with this trial. I will realize that it was a good thing.

Yep. He always knows what is best for me.